I had a weird dream tonight. I went to the Golden Cheap Gym.
For those with the golden card, the doors are wide open for 24h, everyone should have the right to exercise at 3am. Just swipe it and get in, completely anonymous. You are only a number, one of 4321.
Inside you are welcomed by a massive, cold room, full to the brim with the newest machines, and the fancy looking people, frozen in the odd poses. On the left the whole set of treadmills, because running outside is passe these days. Stair masters on the right for those who want to climb up to nowhere and the massive plasmas tv on the walls, to keep you up to date with news. It’s important to know what’s happening around the world, make sure you watch all the adverts too.
Time for the shoulder press. Just touch the reader, and the machine will set up the right difficulty level. You don’t have to remember anything or have skills, just push here, mindlessly. The device hooks up with your fitbelt, fitbit and other fit gadgets. It will know when you have enough.
The temperature in the room is perfect for working out, not too cold, not too hot, just right climate for hot pants and bare, shaved chests. This sells well on Instagram, you will get many likes. Add the duck face, and you will break the net.
Another 8 reps and you will be eligible for a complimentary coffee at the self-service bar. Take a selfie, #goldencheapgym, and you will get a free cappuccino upgrade.
Headphones and baseball caps are compulsory, talking to other people is discouraged. You are here to become a machine, not for making friends.
If the staff member starts talking to you, ignore him, he will probably try to sell you something.
If you need human interaction, join the virtual class, starting every 15min. You will follow 3d hologram. If you are sad or feeling lost, join online mindfulness class or grab this pill. And don’t push too hard, the sweat can ruin your make up sweety.
Now buy an overpriced vegan protein shake. Done.
All boxes ticked. You can go now.
If you felt odd or lacking the human touch, just don’t come back. There will be more place for others, we are always overselling. We will charge you for another 12 months anyway, it was in the contract.